Normality will be resumed as soon as possible ... don't hold your breath

As I sit here with a little over 2 weeks to go, I find myself wondering whether I'm stuck in someone else's reality and that, in fact, I am not going anywhere.

It is a strange place to be but with my passport and visa, airline ticket and confirmation from my employer all conspicuous in their absence, it's not difficult to brush my looming departure under the coarse carpet upon which I insist on itching my nomadic feet.

The pills have all been taken and my arms are full of holes where innocuous bouts of pandemics have been sent rattling across my immune system. Aside from the feeling that my right arm had been used for pugilistic practice the side effects have thus far been none, aside from an increase in the number of dreams I've had ... thus far I feel like I've got off lucky ... watch this space.

And I quote:
"Most common unwanted effects: feeling or actually being sick, dizziness, vertigo, loss of balance, headache, sleepiness, sleep problems, diarrhoea, stomach ache." Sounds to me remarkably like a hangover ... I suggest Irn Bru and a bacon butty.

"Less common unwanted effects: - psychiatric reactions which may be disabling and last for more than several weeks." Definitely an unwanted effect ... it goes on: "... these include unusual changes in mood or behaviour, feelings of worry or anxiety, depression, feelings of persecution, crying, aggression, restlessness, forgetfulness, agitation, confusion, panic and hallucinations."

As if that wasn't enough I also may suffer other neurological reactions including fits, pins and needles, weakness, visual disturbances (are hallucinations not enough?), ringing in the ears, hearing impairment, co-ordination problems and shaking of the hands and fingers.

That's all?

Oh no, "There have also been rare reports of suicidal tendencies and suicide" ... Don't get me started on the effects on my circulation, skin/scalp and the other effects ... sheesh!

Apparently it's better to be a miserably angry insomniac who's forgotten where he is while being stalked by a deranged hoard of cloned Darcey Bussels around a darkened room that goes on forever to the soundtrack of Mariah Carey's greatest hits than to get Malaria ... I'll leave that up to the 'experts'.

I must go now ... my penguin has developed a lisp and is mooning on the heathrow flightpath.